My BA English Degree

Ever been so indecisive that you decide your college major in middle school and never look back?

It’s not because I was a reader, though. I mean, I enjoy reading, always have, but I’m not a huge fan of reading things that people think I should read/like reading because I’m an English major. Like, I’m not a big fan of the classics. In fact, I graduated an English major without having ever read the Great Gatsby. I withheld sharing that information publicly until I got my diploma bc I heard they could revoke your degree for something like that.

But my diploma came in the mail this week!! And now that I have all this English wisdom, I’d like to share it with you— (mostly the English Police™️ who think they know stuff when they don’t. And if you do know this stuff, sweet. I’m proud of you.)

1. A hoe is a garden tool. The correct spelling for that word referring to a prostitute is spelled just “ho.” So if you say you’re going out with all your “hoes” tonight, I fully expect there to be gardening. Also, I’ll refrain from inferring what that says about Santa.

2. Irregardless is a word. It almost just means the same as regardless, but irregardless, it’s a word.

3. The original phrase is I COULD care less. It doesn’t matter how much it doesn’t make sense and how “couldn’t care less” works better— the original phrase stands. Think about it—what do we say in the English language that actually makes sense? Like, my dad says “I don’t give a rat’s a—.” And like, ok, but tell me, dad—in what situation would you give a rat’s a—? Tell me so I can avoid it, please.

4. Things like lol, omg, tbh, brb, are not acronyms. They’re actually called initialisms? (Didn’t learn this til my LAST SEMESTER.) An acronym is something where each letter stands for a different word, but you pronounce as a word: NASA, REM sleep, LASER, NAFTA, OPEC, you get it. Initialisms, you pronounce each letter. Tbh, I’ll often do this with initialisms anyway. My favorite one is loml (love of my life) because it sounds like llama and golly gee what a fun word.

Side note: I saw an ad on Facebook about how you can rent llamas for your wedding and ?????? why? Who was at a wedding and thought— “this is beautiful. The lights, the dresses, the centerpieces… you know what it’s missing, though? A llama.” ????

Rofl is also fun. Some people say it sounds like Scooby Doo saying waffle. I think it kinda sounds like a British person saying raffle?

And they say that knowledge is power but honestly it’s ruined me-

It took a years, but I finally started saying “I am well” instead of “I am good” when asked “how are you?” And I sound like a pretentious tool. However, life hack: if someone asks you how you are, and you’re not feeling well emotionally, you can still say well and it will just mean you’re healthy. Unless you’re sick, you can think of your own life hack for that situation.

I overthink lyrics that I should just let go but like, I can’t handle it? Like I think that T Swift is one of the most amazing lyricists but I just can’t handle it in TIWWCHNT (great song) when she says “because forgiveness is a nice thing to do” and I’m like….YOU CANT “DO” FORGIVENESS. ITS NOT A VERB. And I could go on with other lyrics in her songs/songs of other awesome lyricists, so you let me know when you’re ready for those rants.

However, I’m not a grammar nazi and I never will be because 1. What a waste of life and 2. Those ppl are so obnoxious. I do, however, love making fun of typos because that stuff is funny. My favorite is when my roommate texted me “ETERBAL FAMIKY NOOOI” and I have never been the same.

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